I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
