At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
