i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize