if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
