Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
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