Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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