Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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