This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
