every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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