remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
