just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm both gender and math confused
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
