my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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