I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
