I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
