i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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