My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
