I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
