Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
