Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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