you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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