Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
