Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
