No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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