she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Your cock deserves a montage
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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