i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
