I CAN MOONWALK!
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Randomize
