so that wasnt chicken after all
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
