Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
FUCK WHALES
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize