We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
