Already got asked if we're dating
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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