If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
