i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
