Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
