i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
