i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
