I wanna bring you to show and tell
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
