my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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