She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
