FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
