in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
