I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize