my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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