I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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