onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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