I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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