My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
