I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
