So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
