I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
