made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
