You smell like a Billy Joel song
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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