You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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