I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
