i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
