Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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