mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
