I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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