My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Randomize
