my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
