My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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