So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
