he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
