Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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