he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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