Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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