so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
